Y.K.Y.A.P.W Week 17 Top Ten

You Know You’re A Parent When Top Ten

1: In the car you blast all your air conditioning past you, through the middle of the two front seats and down towards your baby so she is cool in the scorching summer heat whilst you sit sweating in that hot pocket the air con never reaches.

2: You notice that there are most presents under the tree for your 4 month old than for the 30 family members you bought for this year.

3: Eating dip for breakfast with your finger instead of a water cracker is now acceptable depending on what small number of the AM you got up.

4: You show your soon-to-be four month old the bite Santa reindeer took out of the carrot you left for them.

5: You can make a bottle of formula in the dark but you forgot how to put on a pair of shoes with laces.

6: Your husband thinks it would be funny to let her lick a lemon.

7: You start to believe that there should be some kind of Fisher Price rewards program.

8: The people at your baby store (who have known you by site since before baby was born) now don’t even bother getting you to sign your credit card receipts.

9: You still don’t understand the differences between different brands of baby clothes and sizes, but at least you know now that it’s not you, it’s them.

10: Instead of crying because she is crying, you now think her little turned out bottom lipped sad face is kind of cute.

Life with Leonard

It was love at first sight when a multicolored dinosaur entered our baby’s life. He was crinkly and squishy, noisy and tasty. Everything a 3 month old wants.

It was a summery day in mid November when “spike” the Lamaze dinosaur first swept into our lives. Having been stored in the cupboard with all the rest of our baby gifts for some months he made his first appearance in one of the most trying times, a ‘crap, lets hope this one works then’ whim if you will. We hooked him up to the top of the bouncer and the crying stopped. A little hand reached out for those ever so bright and textured rings and never let go. “Spike” was now part of the family.

Then came the grueling naming process, Lily had the deciding vote, always dangerous when left with the only person in the room who doesn’t know where her nose is. The system was intricate and lengthy; I keep saying names until Lily sticks out her tongue as a sign that she has choosen what will remain.

Brian, Simon, Jerry, Leo… Ok we had a spit bubble… Leonard? TONGUE! We use a drool covered hand to knight Leonard by rhythmically grabbing his noisy feet and then chewing on his tail. A historical ceremony passed down through generations on infant namers.

Although adults have questioned Leonards sexuality, with his brightly coloured demeanor and purple tendencies, this fuzzy green friend formally known as Spike, has stepped up in society, travelling far and wide, meeting new people… The new Leonard recognises that he is a vast improvement on his former, run-of-the-mill, one of a million self. His tail might be a little soggier but he is now wise beyond his years. Behind those wired looking eyes there is a soul.

So this holiday season, the first toast of many to come, heres to you Leonard.

Baby “Must (Bogus) Have” Lists

We get pregnant and then head straight for the baby checklists, but how much of it is bull, and how much do you really need? There are many things that no one tells you before they happen in this game, but there are a few things about those checklists that you should know. Here is one taken from a popular Australian Baby Chain.

 

 

 

Car SAFETY
Convertible Car seat (0 to Approx 4years)

• Even some of the top brands do not come with all the pieces you need to fit them to your car!  2 weeks of trying to fit it, we co back to the store feeling like idiots and they say “Oh no, you need to buy one of these clip things separately to make it fit. They all need one.” “Do any of them come with this clip?” I ask. “No…” “Brilliant…”
• This will be the most annoying thing that you buy. Getting squirmy baby in and out of this thing with the strap going across each side to the back of the car is a nightmare, every time.
• Get a colour that won’t stain with chuck.

Baby On Board stickers

• Personally I find these a little offensive. As a non parent, I always felt like saying, well I was going to ram raid you off the road but, well gee, if there is a baby in there then I won’t.
• If you have one of these asking me to be careful around your baby on board car, please, do me the courtesy of being able to follow the road rules yourself. Yes this does include not doing half the speed limit in the fast lane, not driving in the middle of two lanes, not breaking up hills etc.

Capsule Sun Hood & Window Sun Shades X 4

• I’m listing these two together because my point is the same. YOU CAN NOT SEE OUT OF THESE! Maybe the back one, but the side ones on the windows? Catch one of these things on an angle and you might as well be looking at your blind spot through a black wall.

Furniture for NURSERY

Cot

• Leave a whole day to try and put this one together. There will be fights. The movie cliche about pieces everywhere, pregnant wife standing there and pointing, sweating husband on the floor surrounded by tools and getting frustrated… it didn’t originate in the magical made up world of Disney.

Chest of Drawers

• Do yourself a favor, buy the same set of drawers from a store that doesn’t display the word “baby” and pay literally half as much for the same thing. They bank on our sentimental side buying our baby things from a baby store. I say laugh all the way to ikea.

Cot Halo Stand & Ring

• Again,  turns out, you can get this and a mozzie net for it at the hardware store for half the price.

Glider Rocking Chair
(Great for feeding)

• A few things on this one, space sucker for a start. Consider that a lot of babies are fussy and sometimes, at 2am, you don’t want to sit in a dark room all alone while your baby cries as you try and feed him. Invest in a really comfortable lounge chair instead, get up and feed your baby while watching Grey’s Anatomy or something. You will be calmer which means baby will be calmer.

Ottoman for resting those tired feet

• And when does this supposed resting take place?

Home SAFETY

Child-proof power Outlet Plugs / Cupboard Door Locks / Door Barrier / VCR Lock  / Stairway Gate / Refrigerator Latch / Stove Guard / Corner Cushions

• It is expensive setting up for baby. For now, forget all the things they list that you will not need for about six months after birth! There will be time for all that when you can attack this side of things without the burden of paying off the 2 grand in baby furniture your about to spend.

Monitor

• This one you will need to have, even if you don’t use it, but my tip, get one that plugs into a power point. So many run on batteries alone now and there is nothing good about that.

Other ESSENTIALS

Hand / Battery Breast Pump

• This actually is a must have. Even if you are with your baby, get your milk supply running with some extra help while your baby is little.

Microwave or Electric steriliser’s

• Microwave. Last thing you need is another appliance that needs storing.

6 -Feeding Bottles

• Important to use every now and again from birth onwards, just so baby doesn’t look at you with a big WTF grin when it comes time to bottle feed.

Bibs

Training mugs / Soft Spoons / Suction Toys for High Chair trays / Potty

•  Again, consider how long it will be until you NEED these things. There will no doubt be an occasion where someone needs to buy you a present between here and then, don’t exhaust all their options. In your huge list of newborn things, why att a potty they may need in two years to the mix?

Lamp

• Lamp? An essential? As long as there is a light in baby’s room, thats all you need. A lamp is another way to get us to spend $120 on a $30 thing just because it is a baby store.

Night Lights

• For when baby is taking herself to the toilet in the middle of the night?

Rattles And Soft Toys

Scissors / Baby Clippers

Carry

Going OUT

Fully Reclinable Pram / Stroller
(from birth)

• Make sure it fits in your car and that you can get it up and down with one hand. Yes, it does make a difference.

Portable cot / Playpen

• In some lists this item is ranked number one in the must haves. I beg to differ. They weight a ton, they are big and bulky and even folded up hardly fit in the car. Until your baby is crawling around you need two things to go to someones house, a portable sleeper ($60) and a change mat. Do not spend 200 on a huge, heavy thing you will not use, especially since with a newborn, how much travelling to social events are you doing anyway!

Mosquito Net

Rain Cover

Wool Liner

• In Australia, you have to be joking. Our idea of winter is 20 degrees C.

Bottle / Carrier Warmer

• There are not many places that do not have a microwave or a kettle to heat something up for you. Save you 100 bucks on this one, especially since most need a power point or car. I can find you ten microwaves in the shopping centre before I can find you a public power point or make it back to my car for the car adapter.

Cuddle Bag

• Cute name makes unnecessary made up things expensive.

Pram Blanket

• Or just a regular blanket?

Pram Toys

Back Pack

• Don’t tell me you don’t have a backpack. The one that matches your stroller from the baby store is not worth what you will pay for it, and after if put it away it will never get used till one day you go on a cleaning rampage and put it on ebay.

Nappy Bag

Sun Shade Cloth

Portable Change Mat

Manchester for NURSERY

Cot:

Pillows

• Pillows?

Mattress
(inner spring or block foam)

Mattress Protector – 2

Sheet Sets – 3

Winter Blankets – 2

Summer Blankets – 2

Piece quilt set – 3

Tetra Snuggle bed

Nappy Stacker

• What you will do is giv up on this and just use them out of the box. No matter how cute you have the nursery looking before baby comes, start using ten nappies a day and suddenly re-stacking the stacker is just a waste of time.

Mobiles for visual stimulation

Bath TIME, Change TIME

Change Table station

• Station? Get a table of the nursery and then one of those splash proof molded change mats for the bathroom ($20 from Big W)

Change Table

Bath and Stand

• Get a cheap bath with a plug in the bottom and put it in YOUR bath. No stand needed, you will only need to find somewhere to store it. Before too long you will give up on the bath all together and either bath them while holding them or just take them in the shower.

Face Washers x 6

• Spend $3 on a bag of cotton balls instead.

Hungry Baby NEEDS

High Chair(from approx 6 months) / High Chair insert / Portable High Chair

• Saves yourself the space, time and money. Do this a month before you need it, not 9 months before you need it.

EXERCISES

Jolly Jumper / Baby Swing / Rocker Carry Chair / Baby Walker / Bouncer / Activity Gym

• If you went and bought all these right now you’d be parting with $700 and half your lounge room. Instead, try buying just one, most likely a vibration bouncer with activity bar and just learn what your baby likes. Over the first 2 months you don’t need much else at all and then you can buy things that you know your baby will enjoy, not storing half the baby store that your baby never liked.

Y.K.Y.A.P.W Week 15 Top Ten

Ok so I am a few days late with this weeks You Know You’re A Parent When Top Ten.

1: You have a neighbor’s two year old over and realise how NOT ready you are for yours to become mobile. I should have known that my tree and train set wouldn’t walk away unscathed.

2: When the two year old’s mother is picking sticky stuff out of her hair, you start to understand that as they grow up, the habit doesn’t change, just the variety and amount of sticky left in your hair increases.

3: You are on your 6th showing of your sex & the city box set for the early am feeds

4: The delivery man who has delivered all your Christmas online shopping now looks surprised when he comes to the door and you have actual clothes on instead of pj’s.

5: You finally might get to use the port-a-cot in the corner, bought because it was number 2 on every baby “must have” list you saw. Number two my ass. How can you need a port-a-cot when you can no longer leave the house! But that is a whole different post.

6: Life with baby is a balancing act, so, new one hand food items for Mummy and Daddy now include: Crackers with some dip, yes this can be trained to be a one handed deal. Certain types of pasta and spaghetti. For Advanced one handers, try quiche, start with a spoon and work your way up to a fork. And for hardcore one handers begin venturing into the stir fry market. The ultimate Y.K.Y.A.P.W One Hander? Nasi Goreng with Chop Sticks while not only holding your baby, but feeding her as well.

7: You find out how many different colours (not shades, colours) baby poo is available in.

8: You get your first photos with Santa. They take ten photos and in all the ones where Santa doesn’t have his eyes closed (leaving about two) your baby has his beard in her mouth.

9: You catch a cold from your baby and then in a fit of desperation find the only thing to make her laugh on a day when she is sick and cranky is to hoist her up in the air and play “touch snotty noses” bopping her on her nose with yours. Oh to be four months old again…

10: You no longer have the newest baby in your circle of friends. You now start asking Where did my little newborn go and where did this little adult come from?

Y.K.Y.A.P.W Week 13 Top Ten

1: You have become a mad recycler to cope with all the nappies in the rubbish bin

2: Even if you are not a 50 something trapped in a 20 something body like me, you can now sing along with Frankie Valley lawlessly. Well flawless aside from not even close to hitting those ball strangling high notes. Now your a parent, it’s like someone has injected you with the ability to sing all the golden oldies without even realising your doing it.

3: Instead of watching the magic of your lit up Christmas Tree at night, you’re addicted to watching your baby watch the Christmas Tree.

4: You’ve forgotten how to cook rice but you can do the laundry in your sleep.

5: Food that comes through your car window is over and under rated at the same time.

6: Your baby begin teething and you can now add a litre per hour of drool to the collection of baby fluids sporting on your outfit.

7: You read last years Christmas to-do list and laugh whilst crossing off “Bake cookies” and “Write Christmas Cards” without thinking twice.

8: You know now that babies are cute. What comes out of their pants, mouth, nose and lungs, usually isn’t. The best part of knowing this is preying of friends and relatives who don’t. When auntie Mary thinks it is cute that the baby has done a little poop and wants to change her she’ll come back from the ordeal looking like she just saw something dead. You will feel you have passed a secret on.

9: Silence is like your birthday.

10: Finally there is someone who thinks that you sticking your tongue out is the funniest thing they have ever seen.

Review: Fisher Price Waterfall Soother

Looks good doesn’t it? I hate to say it, but yet another excellent thing from Fisher Price that once again, both baby and I love. Three different volumes, three different settings, music, lights, sounds and everything all at once. It’s fantastic.

This one is perfect for keeping baby occupied during quiet time and often jsut the ticket to send them off to dream land. My husband has dubbed it Baby TV because hse gets glued to it sometimes.

The only problem? I want two of them.  One for the cot and another for the lounge room when she is sitting in her swing or bouncer. Our girl is a big fan, and that means so am I.

I need to buy shares in Fisher-Price. This thing so far has no downfalls. I’m in love with it.

Y.K.Y.A.P.W Week 12 Top Ten

You Know You’re A Parent When:

1: You don’t even have to open your eyes to feed and change your baby at 3am anymore.

2: The only person with clean clothes in the house is the baby.

3: For the first year in history, only half your Christmas decorations go up.

4: You find mystery objects in your hair and are not surprised or curious.

5: Unless the front cover says “Huggies” you throw out all the non parent catalogs you subscribed to without even looking at them.

6: You wonder who needs tattoos when you have this pretty multi coloured pattern of permanent marks on your tummy? And why aren’t they as trendy as getting a butterfly on top of your ass?

7: You fantasize that for the new year, flabby as pale skinned will be the new black.

8: You go to work after dropping the baby off and realise only half way through the day that you have her dumbo and she has your sales file. Until then, seeing dumbo on your desk just seemed normal.

9: You cry whilst throwing out your one and only tiny little Channel purse knowing you will never be able to leave the house with that little amount of stuff again.

10: You calmly utter any of the following phrases without any form of alarm or surprise:

- “The baby just threw up on me”

- “It’s down my top as well”

- “The baby just pooped on me”

- “Be careful there is s wee just there.”

It’s SuperDad.

Needless to say I think I scared him. The man of this house formally known as Josh and Daddy, came out to see my mess and was a little shocked to say the least. Read Catch Up Time post for more information on on how this all began. We slept the urgency off and in the morning, it was on. Everything was being moved. I was armed with my diagram and my sugary treats ready to go with artificial energy. You’d think I would be used to 4am starts wouldn’t you?.. but no.

Anyway, long intro short, it’s done. Everything is finished bar a few little things to put away. The dining able, hallway table, chest, stereo, bookcase, lounge, side tables, change table, filing cabinet and bassinet are moved, along with a replacement bed for the dog, the Christmas tree put up and half the house decorations done. And then he took the dog for a walk, and then he did the grocery shopping. Is this man a SuperDad or what?

So I am here to take a moment and say, thanks to the SuperDads who just make life easier sometimes. Your reward? You get to decide what your going to make for dinner tonight.

Catch Up Time

You can only leave everything for so long before it starts to pile up so high you have trouble getting in the door. This stands for laundry, bills, recycling, general crap, or whatever else you have been putting off time and time again. One day it will catch up with you and for me, today is the day.

What does this mean for those around me? It means that as most new mums do, I am going to over react, and instead of just taking care of the things i need to, decide to rearrange everything until my house looks different to the one I have now. While I am on the road for predictions, let me add that at about 1/4 of the way through I will sit down and realise I really didn’t have the time or energy for this while trying to get the baby to go to sleep. I’ll sit down, watch the end of the news until the Simpsons come on (that’s enough to get me away from the tv) then grab something to eat and stand in the kitchen consuming it, looking at the mess I have created.

Then, after my second burst of energy, thanks to that mars bar, I’ll decide to get out the measuring tape and figure it all out correctly. Of course this now means I will need to move litereally everything to make it all fit. Turns out there was an explanation why it was this way to begin with. For some reason I measure my waist while I am at it and I’m distressed. I sweep a small space on the floor to make myself feel better. That had to be at least 100 calories burnt right?

By the way, at this point, all the laundry, bills and crap is still sitting in a whole other room, untouched since I began.

I begin moving things around again, this time realising I can not do it alone. Angered by both the premise than I can not do it alone as well as the actuality of knowing I can not have it finished before my husband wakes up, I go to the kitchen.

Why didn’t I get two mars bars?.. I definitely need another one.

While looking in the fridge to see if I have all the ingredients to make some christmas cookies, I notice the pile of dishes in the sink, the size of my ass in the window reflection, and then the three rooms full of furniture where I have moved everything into the centre and then, left it. Eyes on the prize! I am going back into the living room war zone

Put the baby back to sleep again and then I am in chucking mode. Anything that doesn’t fit, gets thrown away. My husband doesn’t realise it but between my state of mind and the baby behaving like she is a three month old or something, this is a dangerous time for him to emerge from the bedroom.

Ok, a few things done and ready to go for when husband gets up. I draw a diagram on some paper that is so detailed I have included little people and pictures on the tv screen. When Josh gets up I will just how him what I want and then we’ll be fine. The dog is afraid of me and just praying to the dog-food gods that her bed doesn’t get relocated.. again. I make no guarantees.

I discover I am running out of time to get this finished or even close to started, so i decide to sit down and write a blog post about it. Maybe I should take up tennis. No that is not related, just something I am throwing out there.

As you can see, this is no longer prediction and is actually the story of this mum’s Saturday afternoon.. (sings in head) “Saturday night at the movies… ” I’m easily side tracked.

How will this tale end? Will the furniture fit in a new way or end up back in the old way? Will Josh be horrified to see what I have started or motivated to keep going with me? Will the baby (who IS three months by the way) ever go to sleep? Or will those bills and laundry, the things that started it all.. ever get paid and finished?

Who can say.

To Be Continued. Elf is coming on.