Y.K.Y.A.P.W 11 Months Top 5

You Know You’re A Parent When:

1: You find yourself giving some other guy advice on child proofing his kitchen whilst standing in the hardware store

2: You now shop in the “Kids” section rather than the “Baby” section of department stores. it doesn’t take long before you realise two disturbing things about children’s fashion. A: Knee high boots and bikinis shouldn’t be made that small. B: All the kids wear is better looking and better made than that adult stuff.

3: Now you have finally started being able to have your own breakfast and lunch without sharing your baby’s from lack of time and energy when your baby now starts stealing half of yours!

4: “It’s a duck, it’s a boat, it’s a bath toy!… NO, it’s a floating turd!” That’s correct. She’s never done it before and all of a sudden your baby will develop strange new habits like deciding to do her number 2’s when she is in the bath. The Learning curve never seems to straighten out.

5: Baby talk. Talking to your baby at this age is a lot like talking to an adult that doesn’t speak English. They tend to cling to a phrase and nod a lot.

Mum: Do you want to go on the Swings?

Baby: Pie Pie!

Mum: No we can’t go on the slide it’s wet

Baby: Pie Pie?

Mum: It’s ok, we can come back another day

Baby: (Nods) Pie Pie…

Then when you least expect it..

Mum: Lets get ready for bed.

Baby:…. Bottom Pond.

….. ? Who can say, the wonders of children at 11 months old.

A 10 Month Old, A Winter & A Porta Loo..

Anyone who can recognize any one of the three possible problems in this title is in for a treat. In the words of everyones favourite Golden GIrl, “Picture This…”

It’s July in Australia and although in many parts of the world this means beaches and re-runs, here it translates to cold winds and winter skies. What’s that you say? Fine time to renovate? Indeed.

When our shower started detaching from the wall and the brown carpeted floor (hello sixties) started to rot the word “renovate” was making its debut, being tossed about with such simplicity and ease. It was a time of excitement, wonder and nerves. All the things that could be ahead of you, your first chance to ditch the original pink toilet, bath and stained wooden sink. You start looking online and in catalogs; in the back of your mind thinking it’s odd they don’t list prices but being overwhelmed by how white and clean everything looks.

Then someone drops the “P” word. No, I don’t mean price, that one is still to come. It’s the dreaded “P” word that should never be said around the innocent or fragile.

Port-a-loo.

The idea of peeing (or worse) in the same box that other people have paid to pee in (and worse) before you sends shivers up your spine and, ironically, makes you want to pee your pants. Sadly, such is the life of a one bathroom family household and what needs to be done, simply needs to be done. You recover from the anxiety attack also known as the quote and at some point you bite the bullet and kick things off. Port-A-Loo here we come.

It arrives early one morning on the back of a truck in all it’s glory, only moments before my old toilet, once hated and now for these fleeting moments treasured in it’s final hour, is removed with the use of power tools and loud banging. No turning back now. At first it’s not so bad, it all feels as though it’s going to be ok and like a child who thinks they will be a kid forever, I am convinced I might not need to use it that much at all.

In a matter of 20 minutes, the baby disgraces herself, the cat has decided now is the perfect time to get in her annual puke run on where she deposits little packages of last nights food all over the house and i drop something on the kitchen floor. Jeopardy music runs through my head and I list all the resources I do not have for these couple of hours. No Shower, no sink, no water, no electricity & no third arm. I’m now also dirty AND I need to pee. It is day 1, hour 2 of 14 days to come.

The days roll over and there is no amount of describing how revolting and off putting it is. Trekking up your backyard to the port-a-loo, torch in hand, carrying your own roll of toilet paper so as to not be sharing with the 4 workmen also using it, in the freezing cold and dark. About a week into the renovation the temperatures start to drop and news programs start getting all excited with terms like “coldest night of the year” and “record rainfall..” Awesome Port-A-Loo weather. Suddenly I find my self having to dress up in a coat and extra pants just to use a toilet. Just to reiterate, I have a Loo outfit now. I feel pretty.

The extremely high level of noise comprised of tools, working, singing and radio has seen me shuttling the baby back and forth between here and my mothers house an hour away. This is excellent drive time to reflect on all the things I should be worrying about and should have done differently. I find myself using this time to make semi abusive phone calls to suppliers who haven’t come good with deliveries or replacing faulty items all seconds before throwing a smile on my face and greeting my bouncing baby at the door. It’s 7pm and she looks at me with that look that says ‘ENERGY ENERGY ENERGY’.

Tiles, builders, babies, dogs, cats, husbands, and a full time job. What kind of moron was I signing up for this? Just now as I use the torch to navigate the backyard with the dog turds and blown over trees, giving up on not getting wet and frozen in the rain and gale force winds, it pains me to think I voluntarily signed up for this. If one more person tells me it will be worth it when it’s finished I will be featured on the news for beating someone to death with the obvious stick. Just let me complain people!

Baby seems to now be enjoying taking her nightly bath in the laundry sink, my husband and I have given this a go ourselves and can’t say we think it is quite as enjoyable. Between the hygiene in the house and emergency bucket in the laundry it’s all so blissful. The bucket is for those few middle of the night post- baby, weak bladder moments when I can’t make it from the bedroom, around the house, through the balcony, outside, down the stairs, through the backyard, up the hill to the top terrace and into the loo in time. And that’s without leaving time to take non hypothermic precautions. You don’t see any of this in the picture catalogs. It’s all bubble baths and glasses of wine. Show me the dog turns and emergency buckets of reality!

It’s funny in a way. After a certain point we spend out whole lives trying to slow time down. Turns out all you need to do to stop time is renovate your only bathroom. The end date just gets pushed back further and further and further and time seems to stand still. If only the hair on my legs and underarms would take a que from this and do the same.

Day 10, Port-A-Loo visit #27, To Be Continued.

10 Months Y.K.Y.A.P.W Top 5

You Know You’re A Parent When:

1: You have woken up in the middle of the night convinced you have forgotten to do the battery run before bed. You get up and go around the house searching for the 6 odd new fangled toys that have fun LIGHTS and SOUNDS (to a parent this just means.. batteries) that haven’t been switched off during the day, only to find that they in fact have been switched off and you are now just cold and awake at 3am

2: You’ve said the words “fine, here, try some then, you won’t even like it!” to a little person with outstretched arms and a ‘why don’t you love me enough to give me some’ look on their face. Problem is, this backfires. Turns out babies like soda water and cheese on toast and paddle pops and sugar free iced tea.. the list goes embarrassingly on. Now you just have to share.

3: You and your baby have sniffed a stuffy sick nose sniff simultaneously.

4: The thoughts of morning sickness, brain frying twitchy leg (RLS), not being able to even look at any of your favorite foods, drinks or pastimes (thank you pregnancy fun police) and the final, mind numbing pain of childbirth with a botched epidural no longer over ride the want to do it all over again and have another one.

5: Your pretty confident that your baby would leave you for Strawberry Shortcake. And we thought all we had to worry about was our husbands when (never) Angelina comes to town…

Y.K.Y.A.P.W Nine Months

You Know You’re A Parent When:

1: You go to insert a disc into your computer for a presentation and in front of your whole office, The Strawberry Shortcake DVD pops out.

2: You spend 40 minutes in th supermarket doing your grocery shopping then spend the next 40 minutes searching every aisle for the baby’s favourite toy that has now gone missing. Once you give up, feel like the worst parent in the world and try not to cry it all out to the 13 year old behind the checkout, you find the toy buried in the trolley under the (now) thawed frozen goods. Thank you baby for rearranging the trolley when i wasn’t looking.

3: You find your first baby allergy.

4: You’ve become violently ill from something you caught from your bubba and had to admit you were unable to take care of them yourself. Your heart breaks a little bit in between vomits.

5: Your so used to carrying everything at once that you’ve walked a little too far away from your car before realising you were still carrying the dummy (pacifier) in your mouth.

6: You’ve verbally attacked someone in a parents parking lot for having no baby. BTW to the cock head taxi driver that parked next to me at the supermarket in the last Parents spot and then proceeded to pull out the newspaper while a mother with a brand new baby circled the car park in the rain, go fuck yourself.

7: You’ve verbally abused and “outed” people at random about parent issues on the internet.

8: Anyone who says “it took nine months to put the weight on, you should give yourself nine months to get the weight back off” can now also go fuck themselves. 9.5 Months and counting…

9: You know how it feels to have baby vomit in your socks and through your pants while your still wearing them. It’s at this age that they have the volume to be able to do that much damage.

10: Daddy Submission: You’ve spilt something without a hand to spare and have found yourself using your baby to clean it up.

And the coolest bath toy award goes to….

Dare I say it… Fisher Price. It’s the Amazing Animals™ Tubtime Tugboat™ and it’s the coolest bath toy I have seen so far. The tug boat floats perfectly in the bath so that it is submerged enough for to balance in the water and not tip over every time your baby breathes.

The animals are fantastic, the walrus and the seahorse fill with water so when your baby drops them in the water the walrus will float with most of it’s head above the water and the seahorse is sit entirely under the water but float upright and it moves through your bath. This may sound trivial but when you have seen lots of mediocre toys, it’s impressive.

Seriously, the Seahorse sits just under the water! it doesn’t float to the top on it’s side like a dead goldfish or sink to the bottom like rock.

The fish just floats in the water while the octopus and lobster sit on the bottom of your bath where baby can reach around and find them. Very cool.

The boat is awesome and you will have a lot of fun taking the animals our and then stacking them back in again. It’s cheap and available everywhere… If you are looking for bath toys, this is it. And I dare you not to consider playing with it when you have your own bath.

Review: Heinz Baby Food Organic Figs, Oats & Sultanas

So, when it comes to food in the supermarket there are many bright colourful options. There are a few things that you consider, Does it look pretty? Does it sound tasty? Does it sound like something I would like?

Really, none of this matters… none of the answers to questions above will make your baby like it any more or any less.

One day I was looking through the organic foods (since they were on sale) and I decided to give something a whirl that would have otherwise never made it into my shopping cart

Heinz Organic Oats, Figs & Sultanas.

Before baby tried it, I nibbled on the edge of the spoon and found it to be a little tart and surprising. I had guaranteed myself that baby would make sure that more of it got smooshed into the high chair seat than actually got swallowed.  None the less, we all must try new things, so in it went.

First spoonful…. frown, confused face and lots of mouth moving. Then, … a hopeful look crossed her face as she opened her mouth again without the next full spoonful in sight. I quickly loaded it up again and gave it to her. Little by little the confused face disappeared and was replaced with impatience that she wasn’t getting enough, fast enough.

Basically this one is the kicker. I get a ton of these and leave them in the cupboard because when she is tired and cranky and won’t eat her dinner, she will always, without fail, eat this one. Give it a go.. Trust me.

Y.K.Y.A.P.W 8 Months Top Ten

You Know Your A Parent When:

1: Your breakfast is now the other half of the pureed apples.

2: You now posses the skill of making up whimsical songs at the drop of a hat, using any kind of baby food or toy as descriptive lyrics.

3: You’ve had pumpkin in your eyes and up your nose.

4: You’ve realised it takes a degree in biomechanics and physics to get a baby shoe on a baby foot and a masters degree if you want to keep them on there.

5: You know the least creeky path across your floorboards from your bedroom to baby’s room in the middle of the night. And then a bonus route to the bathroom.

6: You now have your own personal live in supermarket of cleaning products. There are an assortment of stain removers in your laundry for different kinds of food, a storage container full of different types of wipes for bum, hands, face.. etc. Different baby wash for shower when it washes away, and a gentle one for bath when baby tends to get it on toys and then put them in her mouth.. If only you have the convenience of supermarket aisles and 14 year old shelf stackers.

7: You could write a book about baby poo.

8: You’ve been suckered into at least one baby competition where you have to collect an obsurd number of something, then send them in for a prize.

9: A messy, unwashed pony tail or bun is the new black… you hope. Shiny, well done hair is only something you dream about.

10: You’ve played with the baby toys in the bath, when you didn’t have the baby with you.

Y.K.Y.A.P.W Seven Months Top Ten

1: Your idea of gambling now days is to put different coloured dummies in front of your baby and see which one she will skillfully place in her mouth.

2: You finally realise just how much your own parents love you.

3: Your baby has nipple crippled you on purpose then laughed.

4: It takes two adults to clean off your baby after having a biscuit.

5: You go on a “shopping spree” and don’t come back with anything for yourself.

6: You spend 10 minutes feeding your baby and 30 minutes cleaning the puree peas out of her nose and ears.

7: Your dog makes sure that when she comes to visit you and your baby, she keeps her head away from little hands.

8: Your baby has done at least ten things that you could have sworn she would never be old enough to actually do.

9: You have to imagine that you are the host of Dirty Jobs just to get through some nappy changes.

10: You find your baby, having removed her own nappy, thinking that kicking it around the cot is the funnest thing ever.

Y.K.Y.A.P.W Six Months Top Ten

You know you’re a parent when:

1: You and baby just share her food for lunch.

2: You know which smile means “i just pooped”.

3: Your baby sees more of you naked than your partner does.

4: Out of desperation, you would even watch The Simpsons if it meant you could sit down for 10 minutes alone.

5: When juggling the names of dog, cat, baby and husband all at once, you’ve mixed them up more than a few times.

6: You now know how stupid the material insert that came in your high chair is, and have thrown it out with an escaped giggle. Soft, absorbent material… those baby furniture people are so funny.

7: You pimp out your dog to keep baby occupied and entertained when she is grumpy.. All your doggy wants to do is get away from the annoying miniature person and instead you keep calling her back for more help.

8: Motorbikes, coffee, face masks and sleep ins… ? I don’t know the language you are speaking.

9: You now have “tricks” only they aren’t as cool as tricks you imagined growing up as a kid. I may not have x ray vision, but damn straight I can tell you when a bottle is too hot without tipping it all over my arm.

10: “All you need is love…” and a nappy, and a wipe, and a bottle, and  baby food, and a sippy cup and sterile water, and a dummy, and a spare dummy, and a change of clothes, and a car toy, and a stroller toy, and a high chair toy and a blanket and a cloth. And that’s just to leave the house for an hour.

ha ba ba ba

There is a certain little girl on the loose who has just figured out that she can move her mouth and make noises come out. Intentional noises too, not just the involuntary squeaks and squeals that come out when she is excited. Lily has spent all day for the last few days traveling around the house on her human transportation ride (aka Mummy) opening and closing her mouth like a fish going, ha bap bap bap.

If you too have been secretly sitting her in the bath sining Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, hoping to win the ‘whose name will she say first’ bet with your partner, then you’ll understand my predicament. When baby is talking, when does it count? She already says “mum” every now and again but when does she say it knowing what it means?

Of course since in this case we are talking about the word “mum”, Daddy has taken the stance that it doesn’t count and as expected I am convinced it does in fact count AND it means she is the smartest baby in the world. Obviously. So when do you get the the point where you write in the baby book what her first words are?

I guess we will have to wait and see. TBC….

Bibs: No, They Aren’t All The Same

Throughout your pregnancy and then baby gifts, you will have now accumulated a decent amount of bibs. Let me start this by saying even though this looks like enough for 30 children, it won’t be enough for your one. Unfortunately to a new parent it can take a while before you know which ones are shit and which ones are worth using. Lets cut that wait time right out for you and tell it like it is.

Shit bibs:

Little short cutesy ones are bad because they will end up everywhere but where you want baby to be covered. They act as more of a spreader than a protector.

Bibs that do up right behind the head. Crap! Babies move a lot and being about to velcro something in place on the side of the neck is 100 times easier than the back of their head.

Fabric bibs, they look cool but most of them time they are made out of fun material that just lets everything roll down the front of it,absorbing nothing and landing on your babies pants instead. They just transport the food from one location to another and don’t save anything.

Not Shit Bibs:

Pull over bibs… YAY! Yes your child will pull a face when you start putting them on, but that little elastic material that fits around the neck is the perfect balance between not chocking baby and sealing that gap where food escapes down the back of the bib (more frequently that you ever thought possible).

Big giant ones! They look enormous and most likely will scare you off for a while because they are the same size as your child but it takes a few months to realise, this is what you want! Maximum coverage and they CAN come in cute designs.

Really soft ones are usually great for absorbing liquid. What you want is a material that turns a darker colour when wet that way you know the drool or milk or food, is really getting caught in there. Most of the ones that don’t do this, even a little are just going to let what ever your trying a avoid, roll down the front.

So which ones do you buy?

Big Softies, I know this is a tiny picture but it’s the best I can find after an hour of googling. Can you believe “googling” is a verb now? Anyway, you can find them in Woolworths, Target, Kmart.. etc.. Everywhere. They are cheap and excellent. Get the pullover long ones and you will be happy as Larry.. especially since Larry’s baby will be very clean.

Review: Jolly Jumper All The Cool Kids Are Doing It

Like most things, Jolly Jumper is just something that you can never picture your first tiny baby being big enough to use. Sure enough, there will come a time when they are big enough and when this day comes, go and spend you $60 on the jumper along with $30 on the musical mat and don’t question it, just have faith.

I write this to you all now while hearing my own baby cackling away in the lounge room, strapped into her jumper and setting off all the musical spots on her mat time after time finding it no less amusing the 200th time.

A slight warning, the mat is adult proof. What does this mean? It means that like most things, we as parents will rush home and pull our baby purchases out of the packaging eager to try them out.. Not by strapping in baby, but by trying them out ourselves. I am sure that I was not in the minority when I got home and tapped the Jolly Jumper mat with my hand and thought.. well, this is shit. However, I persisted and the next time I hooked up baby it turns out that the 3 sensors the mat has in fact has her playing music a lot of them time, and are perfectly positioned to keep her occupied for a long time.

Who would have thunk it? They knew better than I did…

Give baby a few goes to learn how to use her Jolly Jumper, even help them by pulling the spring and helping them jump, soon enough she’ll get the hang of it, (and after twice that amount of time you will get the hang of strapping her into it) but it will be one of the best non Fisher Price investments you will come across.

Let the jumping begin.

Y.K.Y.A.P.W Five Months Top Ten

1: You either say out loud or almost say out loud, I wonder what this years fisher price theme will be…?

2: You start eating your own food out of the baby’s cups.

3: You attack the supermarket nappy sale like it’s a discount sale at Ralph Lauren… Only, it’s not. They are still just nappies and you’re still wearing clothes from K-mart.

4: OK, other way round, you actually end up eating the left over baby food out of your own cup instead. If you’re one of those parents who has already started the solid food, you can sometimes hear “here it comes, open up, here comes the apple train” with every spoonful you eat too.

5: Your top three people your allowed to leave your spouse for now includes Brad Pitt,  JFK Jnr and the person who invented Jolly Jumper.

6: No matter how annoyed or frustrated you are at the world, there is that one little smile that can light up your whole world and make you forget your plan to rid the world of people who can’t drive with a combination of Macgyver style booby traps and Walker Texas Ranger style of law enforcement that you really have no claim to.

7: There is no more Mr Nice Parent at the shopping centre… I will sneak past you in the line, I will speed up and get the number before you in the deli and if I have driven two hours to get to fucking Ikea, I will creep up and listen when you ask where the wall brackets are then when I hear where they are and there are two left, run to them and take them before you even see me. I am busy, I am tired, I am… Ninja Parent. (waiting on my throwing knives I sent away for in the back of Parenting Weekly too, so look out.)

8: Valentines Day plans include Iron Chef and a Mars Bar.

9: You start sentances with “My daughter…” without flinching and wondering if your allowed to say stuff like that yet…

10: One of you starts thinking about the next one.

The Case Of The Flap-Around Arms

The day your baby was born, the midwives showed you how to swaddle your baby to help them feel comforted and sleep better. What they didn’t show you, was the “don’t get too comfortable, this won’t last for long” disclaimer. Before you have time to click your heels twice and say “how can nappies be so expensive”, your baby wants to move.. Maybe not for the big night sleeps but for day naps, your controlled method of wrap-and-drift-into-dreamland is done and dusted.

It’s a set of moves so wild and uncoordinated, one can only assume it’s the infant macarena. (Alternatively you could compare the macarena to what an infant looks like when they have just discovered they have these arm things attached to them, but aren’t sure how to use them.. A whole different post all together.)

You put them down for a sleep. They are sleepy eyed, covered, calm… you walk away. Five minutes later you creep in to check on them and it’s a whole different story. Covers are off and under the baby now (who knows how…), Legs are in the air, a foot and a finger are in the mouth (obviously couldn’t find the thumb this time and figured any of them would do). Dummy is on the floor, spat (or thrown) through the tiny spaces of the cot and now half way across the room. From shoulders to eyes and everywhere in between, baby now glistens with drool. And last but not least, baby has learn how to turn on her own soother.

The short version, sleep isn’t happening. So where do you go from here? With the number one culprit being those tiny little fingers that have just worked out how to remove the dummy but not put it back in, I recommend a pair of socks.. I’m talking about thin ones that will stay on. The trick is, you put them on their hands so those squirmy wormy fingers don’t get in the way. Watch as they try to get those fingers under the rim of the dummy, but can’t! I dare you not to laugh through an evil grin that says, I’ve got your number now kiddo!

Next for the arms themselves, you can start by doing kind of a reverse swaddle, put a thin wrap under baby then put their arms behind the wrap on each side, then fold the wrap around the arm and back under neath them using their body weight to keep it in place. This will end up looking as though your baby is wearing patterned gloves till their arm pits but hey, whatever works right?

Take this opportunity to start gathering ammunition for baby’s 21st birthday party. Photos.

This will keep the arms not still but unable to flee around with such ease that they can hit themselves in the head 5 times a minute. Gradually you can loosen the wrap bit by bit by bit and then remove it all together. When you think your baby is ready to graduate from hand socks, try something that she can hang on to instead. Choose something that she can breath through in case she presses it against her face, not too small to swallow and not to big to get wrapped around her. We have a small pink teddy that is just one sheet of material in the middle, works perfectly.

At some point your baby will discover that these arms and fingers can be controlled, fingers up the nose, in the ear, up your nose, in your ears.. the list never ends. Enjoy these things, because I am told that the time will come where I will be longing for the days when she was so easily amused. I am not too sure about that myself, I can’t say I am picturing a time when I will look back and wish i had those little sticky baby vomit fingers digging their nails into my unsuspecting nasal passage all over again. But, if you hang around long enough, I’ll let you know if I do.

If you do catch baby resembling anything below, please go and invest in a stretchy pair of hand socks immediately. Your swaddle time is running out!

Baby Zone Direct

Well it’s about time I pay my respects to the Baby store I mention to regularly. Granted they have taken my money by the thousands, but someone had to and at Baby Zone Direct, they are just the best people I have come across in this expensive world we call baby.

There are a million stores out there, but if you are in Australia and especially New South Wales, check out Baby Zone Direct, it’s worth the drive.

Click Here to Visit Baby Zone Direct

Huckleberry to Giraffe

Our newest addition to the Fisher Price Rainforest family was swept in with Kmart sale. He’s the Rainstick Giraffe and a bundle of fun.

Teething head, rattly body, gangly colourful legs, easy to grip he’s got is all. What more could a baby want?

Now that we can sit in a high chair, a new naming process takes place. Mummy and Daddy pick names out of the air until baby flaps her arms around in agreement.

With the power invested in me as the mother of the baby who decides, and the state of New South Wales, and the spirit of Mr Fisher Price himself, i declare you Huckleberry.

Y.K.Y.A.P.W Four Months Top Ten

You Know You’re A Parent When this month’s Top Ten!

1: You reach into your bag to pull out the presentation you have been working on over the holidays and find your baby’s spare dummy (pacifier) stuck in the binder.

2: Your New Year’s Resolution is something parent related.

3: The days when you need to start baby proofing the house draw near. Your baby becomes more and more mobile and you can just tell the honeymoon is over, she is here for good, and you can no longer get away with leaving the sharp knife you undid all your baby stuff boxes with on the floor between unpacking.

4: You know you have to stop swearing in front of baby now.

5: Your book of the month is about how to make your own baby food.

6: Your still playing with your baby’s bubble machine when you notice she has been asleep for awhile.

7: You’ve grown out of that “feeling dirty” feeling. It’s now accepted that your moisturizer has been replaced with the spreading of several of your baby’s fluids in your daily routine.

8: There is more baby furniture in your home than adult furniture, oddly enough there is only 7 kilos of baby and… lets just say a hell of a lot more than that of you.

9: You find an old to-do list from when baby was only a few weeks old and there are still things on there not done.

10: You start using the high chair you have had sitting in your kitchen since you were six months pregnant.

Y.K.Y.A.P.W Week 17 Top Ten

You Know You’re A Parent When Top Ten

1: In the car you blast all your air conditioning past you, through the middle of the two front seats and down towards your baby so she is cool in the scorching summer heat whilst you sit sweating in that hot pocket the air con never reaches.

2: You notice that there are most presents under the tree for your 4 month old than for the 30 family members you bought for this year.

3: Eating dip for breakfast with your finger instead of a water cracker is now acceptable depending on what small number of the AM you got up.

4: You show your soon-to-be four month old the bite Santa reindeer took out of the carrot you left for them.

5: You can make a bottle of formula in the dark but you forgot how to put on a pair of shoes with laces.

6: Your husband thinks it would be funny to let her lick a lemon.

7: You start to believe that there should be some kind of Fisher Price rewards program.

8: The people at your baby store (who have known you by site since before baby was born) now don’t even bother getting you to sign your credit card receipts.

9: You still don’t understand the differences between different brands of baby clothes and sizes, but at least you know now that it’s not you, it’s them.

10: Instead of crying because she is crying, you now think her little turned out bottom lipped sad face is kind of cute.

Life with Leonard

It was love at first sight when a multicolored dinosaur entered our baby’s life. He was crinkly and squishy, noisy and tasty. Everything a 3 month old wants.

It was a summery day in mid November when “spike” the Lamaze dinosaur first swept into our lives. Having been stored in the cupboard with all the rest of our baby gifts for some months he made his first appearance in one of the most trying times, a ‘crap, lets hope this one works then’ whim if you will. We hooked him up to the top of the bouncer and the crying stopped. A little hand reached out for those ever so bright and textured rings and never let go. “Spike” was now part of the family.

Then came the grueling naming process, Lily had the deciding vote, always dangerous when left with the only person in the room who doesn’t know where her nose is. The system was intricate and lengthy; I keep saying names until Lily sticks out her tongue as a sign that she has choosen what will remain.

Brian, Simon, Jerry, Leo… Ok we had a spit bubble… Leonard? TONGUE! We use a drool covered hand to knight Leonard by rhythmically grabbing his noisy feet and then chewing on his tail. A historical ceremony passed down through generations on infant namers.

Although adults have questioned Leonards sexuality, with his brightly coloured demeanor and purple tendencies, this fuzzy green friend formally known as Spike, has stepped up in society, travelling far and wide, meeting new people… The new Leonard recognises that he is a vast improvement on his former, run-of-the-mill, one of a million self. His tail might be a little soggier but he is now wise beyond his years. Behind those wired looking eyes there is a soul.

So this holiday season, the first toast of many to come, heres to you Leonard.

Baby “Must (Bogus) Have” Lists

We get pregnant and then head straight for the baby checklists, but how much of it is bull, and how much do you really need? There are many things that no one tells you before they happen in this game, but there are a few things about those checklists that you should know. Here is one taken from a popular Australian Baby Chain.

 

 

 

Car SAFETY
Convertible Car seat (0 to Approx 4years)

• Even some of the top brands do not come with all the pieces you need to fit them to your car!  2 weeks of trying to fit it, we co back to the store feeling like idiots and they say “Oh no, you need to buy one of these clip things separately to make it fit. They all need one.” “Do any of them come with this clip?” I ask. “No…” “Brilliant…”
• This will be the most annoying thing that you buy. Getting squirmy baby in and out of this thing with the strap going across each side to the back of the car is a nightmare, every time.
• Get a colour that won’t stain with chuck.

Baby On Board stickers

• Personally I find these a little offensive. As a non parent, I always felt like saying, well I was going to ram raid you off the road but, well gee, if there is a baby in there then I won’t.
• If you have one of these asking me to be careful around your baby on board car, please, do me the courtesy of being able to follow the road rules yourself. Yes this does include not doing half the speed limit in the fast lane, not driving in the middle of two lanes, not breaking up hills etc.

Capsule Sun Hood & Window Sun Shades X 4

• I’m listing these two together because my point is the same. YOU CAN NOT SEE OUT OF THESE! Maybe the back one, but the side ones on the windows? Catch one of these things on an angle and you might as well be looking at your blind spot through a black wall.

Furniture for NURSERY

Cot

• Leave a whole day to try and put this one together. There will be fights. The movie cliche about pieces everywhere, pregnant wife standing there and pointing, sweating husband on the floor surrounded by tools and getting frustrated… it didn’t originate in the magical made up world of Disney.

Chest of Drawers

• Do yourself a favor, buy the same set of drawers from a store that doesn’t display the word “baby” and pay literally half as much for the same thing. They bank on our sentimental side buying our baby things from a baby store. I say laugh all the way to ikea.

Cot Halo Stand & Ring

• Again,  turns out, you can get this and a mozzie net for it at the hardware store for half the price.

Glider Rocking Chair
(Great for feeding)

• A few things on this one, space sucker for a start. Consider that a lot of babies are fussy and sometimes, at 2am, you don’t want to sit in a dark room all alone while your baby cries as you try and feed him. Invest in a really comfortable lounge chair instead, get up and feed your baby while watching Grey’s Anatomy or something. You will be calmer which means baby will be calmer.

Ottoman for resting those tired feet

• And when does this supposed resting take place?

Home SAFETY

Child-proof power Outlet Plugs / Cupboard Door Locks / Door Barrier / VCR Lock  / Stairway Gate / Refrigerator Latch / Stove Guard / Corner Cushions

• It is expensive setting up for baby. For now, forget all the things they list that you will not need for about six months after birth! There will be time for all that when you can attack this side of things without the burden of paying off the 2 grand in baby furniture your about to spend.

Monitor

• This one you will need to have, even if you don’t use it, but my tip, get one that plugs into a power point. So many run on batteries alone now and there is nothing good about that.

Other ESSENTIALS

Hand / Battery Breast Pump

• This actually is a must have. Even if you are with your baby, get your milk supply running with some extra help while your baby is little.

Microwave or Electric steriliser’s

• Microwave. Last thing you need is another appliance that needs storing.

6 -Feeding Bottles

• Important to use every now and again from birth onwards, just so baby doesn’t look at you with a big WTF grin when it comes time to bottle feed.

Bibs

Training mugs / Soft Spoons / Suction Toys for High Chair trays / Potty

•  Again, consider how long it will be until you NEED these things. There will no doubt be an occasion where someone needs to buy you a present between here and then, don’t exhaust all their options. In your huge list of newborn things, why att a potty they may need in two years to the mix?

Lamp

• Lamp? An essential? As long as there is a light in baby’s room, thats all you need. A lamp is another way to get us to spend $120 on a $30 thing just because it is a baby store.

Night Lights

• For when baby is taking herself to the toilet in the middle of the night?

Rattles And Soft Toys

Scissors / Baby Clippers

Carry

Going OUT

Fully Reclinable Pram / Stroller
(from birth)

• Make sure it fits in your car and that you can get it up and down with one hand. Yes, it does make a difference.

Portable cot / Playpen

• In some lists this item is ranked number one in the must haves. I beg to differ. They weight a ton, they are big and bulky and even folded up hardly fit in the car. Until your baby is crawling around you need two things to go to someones house, a portable sleeper ($60) and a change mat. Do not spend 200 on a huge, heavy thing you will not use, especially since with a newborn, how much travelling to social events are you doing anyway!

Mosquito Net

Rain Cover

Wool Liner

• In Australia, you have to be joking. Our idea of winter is 20 degrees C.

Bottle / Carrier Warmer

• There are not many places that do not have a microwave or a kettle to heat something up for you. Save you 100 bucks on this one, especially since most need a power point or car. I can find you ten microwaves in the shopping centre before I can find you a public power point or make it back to my car for the car adapter.

Cuddle Bag

• Cute name makes unnecessary made up things expensive.

Pram Blanket

• Or just a regular blanket?

Pram Toys

Back Pack

• Don’t tell me you don’t have a backpack. The one that matches your stroller from the baby store is not worth what you will pay for it, and after if put it away it will never get used till one day you go on a cleaning rampage and put it on ebay.

Nappy Bag

Sun Shade Cloth

Portable Change Mat

Manchester for NURSERY

Cot:

Pillows

• Pillows?

Mattress
(inner spring or block foam)

Mattress Protector - 2

Sheet Sets - 3

Winter Blankets - 2

Summer Blankets - 2

Piece quilt set - 3

Tetra Snuggle bed

Nappy Stacker

• What you will do is giv up on this and just use them out of the box. No matter how cute you have the nursery looking before baby comes, start using ten nappies a day and suddenly re-stacking the stacker is just a waste of time.

Mobiles for visual stimulation

Bath TIME, Change TIME

Change Table station

• Station? Get a table of the nursery and then one of those splash proof molded change mats for the bathroom ($20 from Big W)

Change Table

Bath and Stand

• Get a cheap bath with a plug in the bottom and put it in YOUR bath. No stand needed, you will only need to find somewhere to store it. Before too long you will give up on the bath all together and either bath them while holding them or just take them in the shower.

Face Washers x 6

• Spend $3 on a bag of cotton balls instead.

Hungry Baby NEEDS

High Chair(from approx 6 months) / High Chair insert / Portable High Chair

• Saves yourself the space, time and money. Do this a month before you need it, not 9 months before you need it.

EXERCISES

Jolly Jumper / Baby Swing / Rocker Carry Chair / Baby Walker / Bouncer / Activity Gym

• If you went and bought all these right now you’d be parting with $700 and half your lounge room. Instead, try buying just one, most likely a vibration bouncer with activity bar and just learn what your baby likes. Over the first 2 months you don’t need much else at all and then you can buy things that you know your baby will enjoy, not storing half the baby store that your baby never liked.

Y.K.Y.A.P.W Week 15 Top Ten

Ok so I am a few days late with this weeks You Know You’re A Parent When Top Ten.

1: You have a neighbor’s two year old over and realise how NOT ready you are for yours to become mobile. I should have known that my tree and train set wouldn’t walk away unscathed.

2: When the two year old’s mother is picking sticky stuff out of her hair, you start to understand that as they grow up, the habit doesn’t change, just the variety and amount of sticky left in your hair increases.

3: You are on your 6th showing of your sex & the city box set for the early am feeds

4: The delivery man who has delivered all your Christmas online shopping now looks surprised when he comes to the door and you have actual clothes on instead of pj’s.

5: You finally might get to use the port-a-cot in the corner, bought because it was number 2 on every baby “must have” list you saw. Number two my ass. How can you need a port-a-cot when you can no longer leave the house! But that is a whole different post.

6: Life with baby is a balancing act, so, new one hand food items for Mummy and Daddy now include: Crackers with some dip, yes this can be trained to be a one handed deal. Certain types of pasta and spaghetti. For Advanced one handers, try quiche, start with a spoon and work your way up to a fork. And for hardcore one handers begin venturing into the stir fry market. The ultimate Y.K.Y.A.P.W One Hander? Nasi Goreng with Chop Sticks while not only holding your baby, but feeding her as well.

7: You find out how many different colours (not shades, colours) baby poo is available in.

8: You get your first photos with Santa. They take ten photos and in all the ones where Santa doesn’t have his eyes closed (leaving about two) your baby has his beard in her mouth.

9: You catch a cold from your baby and then in a fit of desperation find the only thing to make her laugh on a day when she is sick and cranky is to hoist her up in the air and play “touch snotty noses” bopping her on her nose with yours. Oh to be four months old again…

10: You no longer have the newest baby in your circle of friends. You now start asking Where did my little newborn go and where did this little adult come from?

Y.K.Y.A.P.W Week 13 Top Ten

1: You have become a mad recycler to cope with all the nappies in the rubbish bin

2: Even if you are not a 50 something trapped in a 20 something body like me, you can now sing along with Frankie Valley lawlessly. Well flawless aside from not even close to hitting those ball strangling high notes. Now your a parent, it’s like someone has injected you with the ability to sing all the golden oldies without even realising your doing it.

3: Instead of watching the magic of your lit up Christmas Tree at night, you’re addicted to watching your baby watch the Christmas Tree.

4: You’ve forgotten how to cook rice but you can do the laundry in your sleep.

5: Food that comes through your car window is over and under rated at the same time.

6: Your baby begin teething and you can now add a litre per hour of drool to the collection of baby fluids sporting on your outfit.

7: You read last years Christmas to-do list and laugh whilst crossing off “Bake cookies” and “Write Christmas Cards” without thinking twice.

8: You know now that babies are cute. What comes out of their pants, mouth, nose and lungs, usually isn’t. The best part of knowing this is preying of friends and relatives who don’t. When auntie Mary thinks it is cute that the baby has done a little poop and wants to change her she’ll come back from the ordeal looking like she just saw something dead. You will feel you have passed a secret on.

9: Silence is like your birthday.

10: Finally there is someone who thinks that you sticking your tongue out is the funniest thing they have ever seen.

Review: Fisher Price Waterfall Soother

Looks good doesn’t it? I hate to say it, but yet another excellent thing from Fisher Price that once again, both baby and I love. Three different volumes, three different settings, music, lights, sounds and everything all at once. It’s fantastic.

This one is perfect for keeping baby occupied during quiet time and often jsut the ticket to send them off to dream land. My husband has dubbed it Baby TV because hse gets glued to it sometimes.

The only problem? I want two of them.  One for the cot and another for the lounge room when she is sitting in her swing or bouncer. Our girl is a big fan, and that means so am I.

I need to buy shares in Fisher-Price. This thing so far has no downfalls. I’m in love with it.

Y.K.Y.A.P.W Week 12 Top Ten

You Know You’re A Parent When:

1: You don’t even have to open your eyes to feed and change your baby at 3am anymore.

2: The only person with clean clothes in the house is the baby.

3: For the first year in history, only half your Christmas decorations go up.

4: You find mystery objects in your hair and are not surprised or curious.

5: Unless the front cover says “Huggies” you throw out all the non parent catalogs you subscribed to without even looking at them.

6: You wonder who needs tattoos when you have this pretty multi coloured pattern of permanent marks on your tummy? And why aren’t they as trendy as getting a butterfly on top of your ass?

7: You fantasize that for the new year, flabby as pale skinned will be the new black.

8: You go to work after dropping the baby off and realise only half way through the day that you have her dumbo and she has your sales file. Until then, seeing dumbo on your desk just seemed normal.

9: You cry whilst throwing out your one and only tiny little Channel purse knowing you will never be able to leave the house with that little amount of stuff again.

10: You calmly utter any of the following phrases without any form of alarm or surprise:

- “The baby just threw up on me”

- “It’s down my top as well”

- “The baby just pooped on me”

- “Be careful there is s wee just there.”

It’s SuperDad.

Needless to say I think I scared him. The man of this house formally known as Josh and Daddy, came out to see my mess and was a little shocked to say the least. Read Catch Up Time post for more information on on how this all began. We slept the urgency off and in the morning, it was on. Everything was being moved. I was armed with my diagram and my sugary treats ready to go with artificial energy. You’d think I would be used to 4am starts wouldn’t you?.. but no.

Anyway, long intro short, it’s done. Everything is finished bar a few little things to put away. The dining able, hallway table, chest, stereo, bookcase, lounge, side tables, change table, filing cabinet and bassinet are moved, along with a replacement bed for the dog, the Christmas tree put up and half the house decorations done. And then he took the dog for a walk, and then he did the grocery shopping. Is this man a SuperDad or what?

So I am here to take a moment and say, thanks to the SuperDads who just make life easier sometimes. Your reward? You get to decide what your going to make for dinner tonight.

Catch Up Time

You can only leave everything for so long before it starts to pile up so high you have trouble getting in the door. This stands for laundry, bills, recycling, general crap, or whatever else you have been putting off time and time again. One day it will catch up with you and for me, today is the day.

What does this mean for those around me? It means that as most new mums do, I am going to over react, and instead of just taking care of the things i need to, decide to rearrange everything until my house looks different to the one I have now. While I am on the road for predictions, let me add that at about 1/4 of the way through I will sit down and realise I really didn’t have the time or energy for this while trying to get the baby to go to sleep. I’ll sit down, watch the end of the news until the Simpsons come on (that’s enough to get me away from the tv) then grab something to eat and stand in the kitchen consuming it, looking at the mess I have created.

Then, after my second burst of energy, thanks to that mars bar, I’ll decide to get out the measuring tape and figure it all out correctly. Of course this now means I will need to move litereally everything to make it all fit. Turns out there was an explanation why it was this way to begin with. For some reason I measure my waist while I am at it and I’m distressed. I sweep a small space on the floor to make myself feel better. That had to be at least 100 calories burnt right?

By the way, at this point, all the laundry, bills and crap is still sitting in a whole other room, untouched since I began.

I begin moving things around again, this time realising I can not do it alone. Angered by both the premise than I can not do it alone as well as the actuality of knowing I can not have it finished before my husband wakes up, I go to the kitchen.

Why didn’t I get two mars bars?.. I definitely need another one.

While looking in the fridge to see if I have all the ingredients to make some christmas cookies, I notice the pile of dishes in the sink, the size of my ass in the window reflection, and then the three rooms full of furniture where I have moved everything into the centre and then, left it. Eyes on the prize! I am going back into the living room war zone

Put the baby back to sleep again and then I am in chucking mode. Anything that doesn’t fit, gets thrown away. My husband doesn’t realise it but between my state of mind and the baby behaving like she is a three month old or something, this is a dangerous time for him to emerge from the bedroom.

Ok, a few things done and ready to go for when husband gets up. I draw a diagram on some paper that is so detailed I have included little people and pictures on the tv screen. When Josh gets up I will just how him what I want and then we’ll be fine. The dog is afraid of me and just praying to the dog-food gods that her bed doesn’t get relocated.. again. I make no guarantees.

I discover I am running out of time to get this finished or even close to started, so i decide to sit down and write a blog post about it. Maybe I should take up tennis. No that is not related, just something I am throwing out there.

As you can see, this is no longer prediction and is actually the story of this mum’s Saturday afternoon.. (sings in head) “Saturday night at the movies… ” I’m easily side tracked.

How will this tale end? Will the furniture fit in a new way or end up back in the old way? Will Josh be horrified to see what I have started or motivated to keep going with me? Will the baby (who IS three months by the way) ever go to sleep? Or will those bills and laundry, the things that started it all.. ever get paid and finished?

Who can say.

To Be Continued. Elf is coming on.

Dad’s Guide To Changing Nappies

It’s a struggle for everyone but sometimes, Dad’s just have a harder time dealing with the poop than Mums do. Now granted I am no Dad, but I have been an observer of a few of them when it comes to dealing with the nappy situation and sometimes, an eye roll and cringe just doesn’t satisfy my inner mum screaming, ‘are you kidding?’

So if your a Dad, and you are guilty of having put your poopy baby in the bath, one hand on the retractable shower head, the other splashing the water over the baby (avoiding skin to poop contact if possible, at least until the situation has been brought down to a level of poo that you can cope with) whilst looking out the bathroom window trying to think about cars or bikes or anything that makes you feel better? I’m telling you, your not alone. The secret truth though is this: This makes you a top shelf dad! It is only the best of Dads that even get to this point. Some of them find it so disturbing that they run for the hills and others use such unorthodox methods that they end up being banned from baby duty by onlooking mums. A fate I don’t think too many would protest.

As a result? We bring you the new Dad’s Kit and Guide to Changing Nappies. In this kit, you will receive:

1: A gas mask. Sometimes it will not be necessary, but more importantly, sometimes, it will be. Better to be prepared.

2: Protective gloves.

3: Protective clothing and closed toe footwear.

4: Industrial strength tongs

5: A pair of black and white shaded glasses. If you can’t see the shades of green and mustard yellow, we think it’s not as bad.

6: A random bucket. Yes, random. It’s multipurpose. You never know what you might need to catch / dispose of in a pinch.

7: And finally disposable everything. Nappy, change mat, wipes, gloves, the works. We understand that for the world to still be a safe place for you, everything that has been in the room with your baby’s bottom at the time, needs to never been seen again.

The procedure is this: Get the job done, anyway you can, minimal spectacle but resulting in baby clean and changed is good. Anything that avoids mum coming home and saying “why is the baby’s towel wet? Did she need a bath? Why? What Happened? What did you do?” etc… You can see how this is rapidly becoming not only wrong AND your fault but on it’s way to a list of all the things you do wrong and how you don’t appreciate what she does. She won’t notice a gas mask and assorted protection wear under the bed, or maybe she will and won’t think anything more than.. well thats stupid. As a mum, let me tell you, she WILL notice everything else. A towel in the wrong place, water drops on the floor of the shower, baby in different clothes, inappropriate amount of wipes in the bin as well as anything that you have added to the usual washing or laundry. I suggest you wash anything used yourself and separately.

If you fail your mission, and the above line of questioning does eventuate then always remember. “I’m sorry. Your right. Help me.”

Y.K.Y.A.P.W Week 11 Top Ten

1: The sound track to all of your dreams is the token Mozart track that comes with your baby’s mobile.

2: Your a machine with the Glen 20 Antibacterial Spray.

3: You’ve broken at least one law because of your child, usually double parking or something similar in the interest of keeping them happy, and being fast.

4: You can multitask like it is no ones business. You can: feed your baby, cut her nails, pump the other side while taking a work sale on the phone and paying your electricity bill on the internet all at the same time.

5: You wonder if 11 weeks old is too young or too old to be watching Sopranos. You can opnly get away with it for so long before it is off limits for years.

6: You sing the Wiggles “Wake Up Geoff!” in the supermarket… on your own.

7: You look at a poster on the wall and remember the good old days when you could just fly over to Las Vegas, have a few drinks, play a few games, and get married if you felt like it…

.. Or was I the only one who did that?

8: You go to your first kids birthday party and have to buy a present for the birthday baby “with love from” your baby. Who are we kidding? We all know that the baby doesn’t actually go shopping herself. I DO. That’s right… me.

9: You find that dressing your child in outfits that have ears or any kind of novelty hood on them will never get old.

10: You think you may have had sex before, but can’t remember what it was like.

Y.K.Y.A.P.W Week 10 Top Ten

You Know You’re A Parent When:

1: The answer to “Where are the socks?” is “Second drawer, under the Monkey.”

2: You finally get to shave your legs for the first time in weeks and afterwards you notice that they look the same. It’s been so long that you are covered in little hair tan lines.

3: You use the drawstring off of an old pair of shorts to tie your dummy/pacifer/soother to it on one end and to the back of our passenger seat head rest on the other. This way when they loose it yous not swerving all over the road trying to find it. Just pull on the string and it’s yours once again.

4: Your weekly Top Ten lists get further and further behind.

5: You know exactly which one of your neighbors leaves for work at 5am and can time out their exact routine while your up breastfeeding. ‘Now cough… start car. Swear at your sore back while you sit down…’ He doesn’t know that I know.

I know..

6: Eating licorice for breakfast is now totally acceptable.

7: After ten weeks of saying “no no, I will!” You have realized that you will not use your treadmill again and decide to give it up for the space. Why? Because no, no I won’t.

8: You have already established a ban per parent for some kind of kids character. Our house ban’s Dora, I have tested her out and she talks to me like I am a moron. Yes I can see the freaking red balloon. Can’t you? Barney because I have issues with the real kids in that show, they are too cheery. And Lastly, there is a joint ban on Teletubies because they are just creepy.

9: By now you have had at least one explodo poo that has been cause for hosing off (in bathroom, not necessarily backyard so you can stop dialing DOCS) instead of cleaning up. We can all guess not only who’s idea this was, but which parent got to hold the baby under her arms and which one had to actually wash the poo off.

10: You sign the petition that states that only making Jolly Jumpers for kids is bullshit.

Review: Preen - Gets out the poop.

As a parent there are only a few items that you would really be in trouble with out. Something to feed them with and something to clean them with.

Regular laundry for babies is rather easy, there isn’t any food to worry about, mostly just spit up milk. That means no mushed peas smooshed into the arm pits, no coloured juice stains down the front, no glue or finger paint down the shorts and no handful of pet snails (gathered from the garden and stored in the pocket) that were once alive either. The problem that you do have at this age, is…

… (insert jaws theme here)… Poop.

I don’t know about baby boys but I do know about baby girls and if they are laying down it goes backwards and if they are sitting up it goes frontwards. If it didn’t manage to seep upward into the nice outfit you spent 20 minutes trying to get their tiny hands into there is still time. You take off their nappy and it is like they are desperately trying to stamp their feet in it and then wipe them all over you and themselves. As well as finding it hilarious while you try and block their every move.

At some point along the way, be it during, after or as part of the clean up, there will be poo on someones clothes and as a nod to your new schedule of 3-times-a-day laundry your gonna have to get it out sooner rather than later.

My suggestion to you is Preen. A few sprays of this with a roll in the washing machine hay and your baby clothes will look good as new instead of looking ‘was once poo’d in’ like some other stain removers leave them. It’s so easy that all you dads can even do it, hell, my husband discovered it.

I’m finding that now she knows I can get poop out easily, Lily doesn’t get so much joy out of trying to cover both of us in it anymore. But throwing up on me, now that’s always gonna be funny.